Harry Potter

I know everyone loves Harry Potter and his secret world of wizards. Whats not to love? Its escapism from our mundane and often cruel world. Great characters, stories, and magnificent wonders not of this world. But why does it suck?

1. Wizards are functionally retarded.
I know lots and lots of humans who are not wizards. They do all kinds of things like talk on the phone, drive their cars to work, play on their computers, draw in sketch books, and even send each other postcards. Why can't these powerful wizards figure this shit out? Even the dumbest people I know can dial a telephone and call their friends. But wizards can't. These people have one form of instantaneous communication over long distances and it requires sticking you head in a God damned fireplace. How convenient is that? Owls as a mail delivery system? Are you out of your damn minds? I don't care how smart your damn owl is if someone shoots it for flying to close to their chicken farm then where the hell are you? This isn't the middle ages we are talking about. Harry Potter books start in the year 1991. You are telling me these people are still using ink quills and scrolls when you can get a Comp book at Walmart for 99 cents? I don't care if it adds to the mystique of wizard folk it makes them look like a bunch of retards.

2. Harry Potter makes socially awkward Emo kids seem normal.
Harry and his wizard friends are the most awkward childish group of teenagers to be described in literature in half a century. The Little Rascals were more mature about friendship and relationships than these kids. Book after book they have the most ridiculous relationship issues because they act like they are in elementary school on the playground. Not to mention Harry has a complex about getting close to people because he keeps getting them killed. Its like the Brady Bunch with wands.

3. Oh woe is me I live such a tragic life.
Why is this entire series a huge pity party for the most whiny pathetic hero of our time? Yes death is hard. Yes you have a right to mourn. No you don't have a right to whine and cry and take out your frustrations on the people who are taking care of you. Instead of dwelling on the past lets go ahead and appreciate what we have while we ourselves are still alive. You are a freaking wizard with powers untold at your fingertips, you have a vault FULL of gold, you are famous, you are surrounded by people who love you and will, and do quite often because you are a stupid, give their lives for you. Way to be a complete selfish prick and whine like a little morbid gothy person. New book "Harry Potter and his Fishnets and Eyeliner."

4. I'm a children's series that teaches a twisted morality.
Racism is bad. Slavery is bad. Gay people are good. Murder is bad. Lying is bad except when its not. The whole underlying point of the story is that racism (Wizard vs. Muggle) is bad. At the same point the superior race (Wizards) is allowed to treat the inferior (Muggles) like animals. Wait a minute...So what she is secretly saying is racism is okay as long as you don't try to kill the race that you don't like. You can still treat them poorly. Slavery of creatures that don't want to be slaves is wrong. But if they volunteer its okay. Bringing Indentured servitude back, I like it. Dumbledore is gay! Wait...thats not in the books or movies. But he was and you loved him so that means you love gays! OH SNAP J.K. Rowling made you accept a gay person by secret. Now your KKK brothers won't let you back on the bowling team.

5. This magic makes no damn sense at all!
Every book/movie you learn a little more about how magic works in the world. Thats cool, I guess, except the more you learn the less damn sense it makes. It becomes so overly convoluted that it seems like some spells don't even do what you learned they were supposed to later and some do less than you thought. And why doesn't anyone else know a spell before Harry or one of his friends learns, or learns of, that spell? Why do powerful dark wizards, Voldemorts Death Eaters, require verbal components to cast simple jinxes when students are taught how to cast without verbal components in the 6th year? For that matter why the hell are the Death Eaters using simple jinxes? Battle at the Department of Mysteries should have lasted only long enough for them to cast a few death spells and pull the prophecy from the little kids cold dead hands.

6. You named your kids what now?
Albus Severus, James Sirius, and Lily Luna? You seriously couldn't give them one original name between the 3? And naming your son and daughter after your mom and dad is a little creepy. I understand wanting to pay homage to your parents but your parents James and Lily Potter had sex with each other! You want people confusing your kids James and Lily Potter for your parents? Thats just not right. At least Ron and Hermione were nice enough to give their unfortunate offspring real names. I suppose at least its not Renesme Carlie.

Coming Soon: Twilight (I can't wait to do this one.)