Lord of the Rings

One of the big fan favorites of the last decade. Classic literature turned cinematic garbage. Somebody please stop giving movie producers literary licenses.

1. No really, it was long enough the first time.
Peter Jackson directed this epic trio. At a little over 9 hours the original theatrical cut was about the size of any 4 normal movies. So then he releases his directors cut which is another 2 hours or so longer. You took 9 hours to tell a story badly than had the nerve to add 2 more hours of telling the story badly. Yes there are those people that were foolish enough to want this. These are also the same people who dress up in the woods and hit each other with duct tape covered sticks.

2. Creative liberties can only go so far.
Okay so you paid a bunch of money to get Liv Tyler to play in your movie. Oh, so now you realized her character is only in the books for 2 minutes and then isn't seen again until the very end. Lets just put her in EVERY OTHER GOD DAMNED SCENE! Frankly I'd rather them have left her out of the movies altogether. Instead we are bombarded by ridiculous flashbacks to things that WE DON'T CARE ABOUT! Nobody cared about this minor love story. People wanted to see Legolas kick some ass and take some names. Also, where the hell is Tom Bombadil?

3. Lets play the stereotype game!
So Tolkein was this amazing author, creator of one of the most intricate and unique fantasy worlds ever. He created a history of its peoples, deep cultures, and even distinct languages which are taught in Ivy League schools. These movies reduced every character/race/creature to basic stereotypes. Hobbits are nothing but tiny furry imbeciles. Elves are haughty feminine showboats. Dwarves are short jokes and comedy relief. Humans are pretty much all selfish bastards prone to evil with a few exceptions. Wizards are assholes.

4. We don't need no culture.
As I said before there was a great deal of culture in the books that this series of movies was based on. These are very deep characters who were made very shallow by this travesty. Of the dozens of folk songs written by Tolkein each with its history and place in the culture of one of the races of men, elves, hobbits, dwarves, etc. None managed to make it into these movies. Disney cartoons have more respect for the culture of their source material than these movies.

5. Battles in these movies are retarded.
The things these people do while fighting are insane. As the Great Luke Ski says "Legolas is like Tony Hawk meets the Legend of Zelda." At one point he stabs an Uruk-Hai with an arrow than pulls the arrow out and fires it into another one killing both. How the hell is that even remotely possible? Sure it looks flashy but these movies are supposed to be about an epic story not a series of flashy fight scenes...Oh wait...No it was just a series of flashy fights scenes.

6. These movies are just a series of flashy fights scenes!
Just kidding. These movies are just a series of unmemorable scenes watching people walking and talking punctuated by flashy fight scenes. I don't even remember half of the scenes between the fights because I kept falling asleep during them. Wasn't there something about an epic battle between good and evil? Who cares lets watch the elf surf down stairs on a shield while shooting arrows like hes got a machine gun again!

Overall these movies are okay. They are a shallow action movie made from an epic drama. I guess it could have been worse. M. Night Shyamalan could have directed it.

Coming Soon: The Collected works of M. Night Shyamalan.