Twilight

This is tooooooooo easy. We'll start out with the simple stuff that people ignore the most.

1. Horrible music selection.
The music selection was horrendous. It was chosen not because it fit the movie/mood/anything at all, but because it is popular amongst people with no taste. I suppose since they are the ones who also like this movie that it is rather fitting. Its mostly unmemorable and drastically wrong for most of the moods in the movie.

2. Horrible Special Effects.
They stole the special effects straight from the "60 Million Dollar Man". Speeding up video playback and adding blur lines does not look good. Why would you even think it did? And when he is climbing those trees WTF was that? I've seen kung fu movies with people flying that looked more realistic. And glittery vampires is probably the stupidest thing yet to have found its way into literature.

3. Horrible, Horrible, Horrible Dialog.
Ladies, if a guy ever calls you 'spider monkey' as a pet name please shoot him in the head until he stops moving. Also, if any highschool kid holds a stick up and giggling maniacally squeals "I got a worm!" you need to change schools or you got on the short bus by accident that morning. The book had passable dialogue in it though still really whiny and pathetic. They changed so many of the lines from the book to the movie because Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are both such bad actors they couldn't deliver the lines and not sound completely retarded. Then again neither of them can do much of anything without looking/sounding retarded. (Which brings us to the next...)

4. Horrible acting.
If Catherine Hardwicke had said "You girl, act like you are reading lines. You Date Rape Face (Thats Pattz) pretend you are constipated." then she would have gotten exactly what she asked for. She didn't though. She wanted a boypire and a girl who were in love, and in danger, and in...teresting. They failed and so she failed as a director. I'm really glad they are replacing Catherine for the second movie because I already feel bad for her name being on one of these horrible travesties of cinema.

5. Horrible story.
This isn't a love story. I shall reference my previous writings on this subject here.

Why Edward doesn't actually love Bella.
Edward Cullen, dream boy and wetter of more panties than Brad Pitt and George Clooney combined. But given the chance would he even care to notice any of the girls that have fallen for him? I doubt it. Edward doesn't understand desire, doesn't understand love, nor does he understand physical attraction.

Edward is a virgin though he supposedly is the sexiest man in the world. Why is this? Not because his old-timey charm which so many girls seem to fawn over (Which he also has NONE of). It is because he has never been physically attracted to anyone. His dick has always been limp. (And always should be because Vampires do not have blood flow but we won't even get into Stephanie Meyer's complete lack of knowledge about human anatomy) Edward has never desired to have sex with anyone so he hasn't. (Thats so romantic blah blah blah, Bella is the only one for him.) Not true. He never desires Bella in a physical way either. Even when they kiss and he says he cannot stop himself its not because he would rape/sex her it is because he is afraid he will EAT her (And not even in the fun way.)

Edward's first experience with desire, really wanting something that he cannot have, is when he smells Bella. This is explained as occasionally some vampires will find a human that smells extremely tasty only to them. (In the movie they forget this part and make it seem like she smells overtly tasty to all vampires rather than just Edward). It causes very powerful hunger which in turn causes a intense desire. This is what Edward feels for her. Not love, not sexual attraction, he wants to eat her until she is dead. I understand that love comes from wanting to make someone happy (And them in turn wanting to make you happy) and desire to be in that state of happiness together forever. I didn't know it also came from wanting to eat someone to death. Edward more closely resembles Jeffrey Dahmer than Romeo. Imagine that?

At this point Edward really just wants to get the hell away from Bella before he eats her to death. Why doesn't he though? Is it because he loves her? Because he wants to be with her forever? Nope. Its because she is the first person who's mind he can't read. The first person who has ever seemed mysterious to him. He is fascinated by the fact that he doesn't know what she is thinking. You know that giddy feeling you get when someone you are attracted to looks at you? How you wonder what they are thinking about you, whether they like you or not, or if they think you are attractive? He feels that curiosity for the first time and (Like you did when you were in elementary or middle school) he gets confused and he wants to find out more. He desires to know what she thinks. Instead of passing her notes though he calls her spider monkey and jumps out a window in a very childish hissy fit (At least in the movie which was far worse than the books). So instead he stalks her in a very creepy manner, watches her sleep at night for months on end, and just basically makes himself look like a total creep. But I guess girls find creeps sexy these days.

Now here is where this all comes together. What if Bella wasn't Bella? What if Bella was lets say Bill? Bill has the same smell and same ability to shield her mind from Edward. Bill is also pretty much the perfect person except for he is clumsy. (Way to make the one fault your Mary Sue character has be clumsiness Stephanie). Bill also suffers from crippling co-dependency and is attracted to Edward. (I guess crippling co-dependency is a fault too, I apologize Steph). I believe that Edward would have fallen in love with (Or whatever he feels for Bella which is certainly not love) Bill also. Not because he is gay, but because he is apparently too stupid to understand anything other than primal urges to eat. And that just in the first book.

6. Horrible Fans.
Harry Potter fans, Lord of the Rings Fans, Star Wars Fans, even Trekkers (Trekkies has a negative conotation now and they prefer Trekkers), all fight tooth and nail about how good the object of their fandom is. Many of these people will admit however that there are things that could have been better. Things they would have liked to see better. Twitards refuse to admit that this movie has such HUGE glaring faults as those previously presented. The others have their faults but they at least have good things about them that aren't made up in the minds of the fans. And I haven't even touched on the sociological ramifications of marketing crippling codependency to young impressionable girls who have grown up being told they aren't good enough every five seconds by television and magazines. These fans will grow up thinking they must have a boypire (or any kind of man) to make themselves complete. Thank you Stephanie Meyer and your Mormon views for setting women's rights back 30 years. But what do I care? I still get paid more than a woman for doing the same job.

Twilight is utter garbage and the sooner we as a people grow beyond this fad the better we will be. It is mediocre contribution to the literary world and an outright bad contribution to cinema.